🚩 some red flags i wish i’d not ignored 🚩
don’t choose love of them over love of you.
- they always make you the one to blame and make you feel bad but don’t take blame
- you’re fighting so often your friends know who you’re fighting with before you even say
- you feel the urge to apologize just to fix things
- they make you feel your best but more often make you feel your worst
- their love is conditional
- when you make up, you’re just waiting for things to fall apart again
- you question if you’re a bad person because they tell you something is wrong with you
- in your head, you know it’s better to leave but that “but i love them” always makes you stay
- you question their actions but brush it off as paranoia or blame it on a bad day
- it’s a cycle
- people in your life are telling you this is bad for you
- sometimes they’re almost too good at making you feel better after you’ve made up, like not losing them is worth it
- you begin to think love is synonymous with staying or sacrificing
- you put them before yourself even if they never asked you to
- you put them before everyone in your life
- they come to mind whenever you have something you feel you need to talk out
- you aren’t sure if they love you back
- you give more than you get
- the facts don’t always add up right
- you catch them in little lies or find them breaking promises
- you cry over them more often than you smile with them
- you feel like you’re playing a game or being played
FEEL FREE TO ADD… THIS APPLIES TO ALL KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS
All of this but I’d like to add, because some people want to leave the relationship but the other person is holding them back. Such as;
Threatening to hurt you, someone else, or themselves.
Saying how they’ll be so hurt and spiral into depression making it all your fault.
They make you think you have to stay because they promise to get better! They had such a rough childhood and or Life is putting them through hell right now! You can’t leave them now or else it’d go back to the same way and-
But stop those thoughts right there.
This is something I struggled with a lot, especially when I was younger. I’m very empathetic and sympathetic. When I see someone hurting I try and help them, but not at the cost of my own happiness and sanity.
But I am here to tell you, if you leave them for their behavior then it’s not your fault. You didn’t tell them to hurt anyone, including themselves. It’s not your fault, and not your problem.
Because you aren’t their personal therapist. And even therapists aren’t supposed feel this way or do what you do, but I digress.
It’s a hard pill to swallow- trust me I know it is, but you are the most important person in your life. Even if you don’t agree with me on that, at the very least you need to stay healthy, both physically and mentally, to help others. Including this person/people.
And in the end? That person’s problems are there own.
I’m not saying stop helping them, even if you need a pause on the relationship because you both need it. I’m saying that you, yes you, aren’t forcing them to do or say the things they do.
If they say they’ll do horrible things to themselves/you, don’t blame yourself. Because you did nothing wrong, They’re trying to guilt trip you. Trying to make it feel like it’s your fault but it’s not. I will say it again and again because its NOT your fault for them cutting, for threatening suicide, threatening murder, for doing anything bad.
If you believe the person is going to do any of the things they said; Call the police. I’m not joking. Sometimes you don’t know where they live, sometimes not even there real name, but if you do know; Call someone.
(And yes, I’m aware the police are almost all jerks but as said before, call someone if you can, and don’t beat yourself up about it if you cant)
They have been through shit, that’s why they are doing this. But that’s not your problem. Their actions aren’t something you can control. So if you see these red flags, even just one, first I suggest talking to them.
Sometimes a person is being toxic and they don’t know it, sometimes they honestly want to help themselves, and that’s good! But sometimes they don’t or they never make any progress.
Some might cry and demand why you think this way, trying to make themselves out to be the victim. They’re not. I repeat, they are not.
And I promise you that you have more strength than you know, You’ll get through this- get through them.
If they lie about it, the red flags will still be there, Maybe toned down for a while or new ones, but you would know.
In that event, leave them, even for just a short period of time. Sometimes you can’t just block/ignore them, but let them know you’re not going to take this anymore.
I’ll be honest, depending on your guys’ relationship it could hurt one or both parties, but think of it like this…
Sometimes in order for our bodies to heal physically, we have to hurt them more, so they’ll be able to heal properly. It’s the same here.
So in conclusion? No matter what they do, who they are, or how they’re doing, just as you can’t control their emotions you can’t control their actions. And don’t ever let anyone convince you otherwise.
You can choose not to believe me and I won’t force you to believe me, but I have been in toxic relationships (platonic and romantic) one too many times. I had an ex who was using me just as someone to vent to, and if I spoke up about it they’d get mad and ask why I didn’t care for them.
I did care about them. I cared about them a lot, but making me feel like that wasn’t healthy. It felt like I was holding their life on my shoulders, but I wasn’t. Even if they made me feel that way.
So please if you see any of these red flags tell them, and if they don’t understand or cooperate leave them (again, even if only temporarily) I said it once and I’ll say it again, you are the most important person in your life. Never feel as if someone’s problems are your own, because they aren’t.
You guys are all so strong and caring, no matter what the other person says. It’s okay to put yourself above others, it’s something you should do. But I understand that changing your mental attitude doesn’t happen in the blink of an eye, and just seeing one post on a social media site won’t suddenly make you find out life’s secrets and make you happy just like that. The process will be slow and not steady, the path is bumpy and you’ll take some wrong turns, maybe go backwards instead of forwards but it means you’re trying. And that’s all you can do sometimes.
(via yandereaffections)
